Catching Up on Things

Gaming-----

Hrmmmm. . . . what have I been up to? Not gaming. I've been trying to start a game with my family to help feed my need (which is starved these days), but it seems like there's no time when I try. We almost made it tonight but my kids didn't seem interested and my youngest decided he was going to use that time to be obnoxious and unpleasant. 10 years ago, I could have bulldozed through all that and ran the damned game anyway. These days however, when something like that happens, my mind and body almost shut down and I can feel the depression scrambling to take hold at the opening it senses. I mean it. My mind starts going over how nothing ever works out (regardless of the truth of things) and my body goes into sleep mode. I find myself literally falling asleep as a drowsy haze takes over. So tonight, I let it. I fell asleep on the couch, woke up a couple hours later and felt better. Not great – something is still of but I'm pretty damned sure that's depression fighting to retain a hold.

I recently asked my regular group if they were interested in trying to pick back up. Two said (paraphrasing) "yeah, sure", one hasn't responded, and one complained about being left behind by the others. So I don't have a lot of faith in that getting started. I wish I knew someone who ran games. It's been so long since I've played as a player and not GM I can't swear I remember how it works from that side.

Dreams-----

The other night (morning really), I had a dream where we had purchased a new house – a renovated and oddly furnished school. It had all kinds of stuff in the various rooms that I was checking out, when I realized it had an infestation of scorpions. Palm-sized red scorpions that were so tough even the ones I stomped with my boots survived. So most of my dreams was me hunting these damn scorpions and trying to get people to help, but no one would engage in the hunt with me. Unfortunately, I was woken before I was able to see the end of the dream. I went back to sleep to finish it, but I didn't not. So I guess those damned arachnids are still roaming somewhere in my mind, unsquished.

Exercise-----

I've started exercising again pretty regularly. In my depressed state, I lost about 20 pounds over the last year, year and a half, and near as I can tell, most of that was muscle. So I've been trying to rebuild that. Weight three times per week, cardio on the other days. I've been doing good on the weight training (getting it done – my endurance is shot for performance though. It's very sad). I haven't been doing as well on keeping up the cardio, but I have been pretty active in the pool so that counts. It's all making me extra aware of my COPD though. I really need to quit smoking.  I'm trying to gear myself up to try that again, but the way it ended last time was real bad (day 3 of quitting and a major flare-up of depression complete with ugly fight is a real bad combination), and I'm very scared of trying again because of that. But at the same time, I'm pretty sure I can hear my lungs dying on me.

Trips-----

Went to the zoo with the woman, my daughter, and the 5 year old. It was a pretty cool trip. The gorillas were way cool and we enjoyed the sea lion show. The heat exhaustion wasn't cool (in the heat we've been having, I seem to be completely dehydrated about 10 minutes after exiting the house). I even got some really good photos (with Carrie's camera) of the gorillas and some other stuff. Unfortunately, I took a nap as soon as we got home, and in that time, Abaddon managed to format the SD card, deleting the photos. That made me angry. We're going to go again tomorrow, with my camera (he's pretty good about not touching mine, less so Carrie's). Hopefully, I'll get some good pics.

I didn't realize how much taking pictures factored into my desire to go places. I had to send my camera in to get the flash replaced, and while it was gone, I just wasn't motivated to go anywhere. I think that's a result of my depression and its belief that things never work out so when things don't, even if it doesn't get a good hold on me, it is still able to exert an influence I may not recognize at the time (I'm trying to learn to though).

Entertainment-----

We (Carrie, me) recently watched all of Misfits. It's a very good show. I recommend it strongly. We watched the first season of Breaking Bad (also pretty good), but can't get the 2^nd season right now. So mainly we have been watching Hercules the Legendary Journeys. When it first ran, I watched it, but didn't care much for it. I watched it a second time a couple years ago and enjoyed it more. Now, watching it with her (but not the kids – I wish they would watch it with us), I'm enjoying the hell out of it. Just accepting it for what it is. It is stupid, and cheesy, and at times is like a live-action cartoon, but I really enjoy it. And I'm not afraid to admit that I have a little crush on Michael Hurst. I also purchased Renegade the Complete Series. I always enjoyed that show. Homoeroticism, martial arts, and fabulous hair! What's not to love?

I finally finished Death Note. I was less than pleased with the ending of that one. We just finished watching Gurren Lagann as a family (the only thing my daughter has ever asked us to watch). It was okay. It had its good moments and its bad moments. I thought the mechs were ugly and the wrong people died. Much like with Death Note, I really didn't care for the ending.

I've been keeping up on my regular shows: True Blood – not loving this season so far, Leverage – ditto (I miss first season Eliot who was far more badass than he is now), Eureka – pleased so far, Burn Notice – waiting for Hulu to get more eps up but enjoying it much, Torchwood – not as gripping as Children of Earth was but I think that's because of the spread out of the eps this time 'round, and Falling Skies – it's okay. Not great but okay.

I recently watched Abelar: Tales of an Ancient Empire (a pseudo-sequel to The Sword and the Sorcerer). It is. . . not good. And it's a two-parter. I mean it. Story just stops and is supposed to be continued in part 2. That's just god damned annoying.

I also watched The Crazies. Didn't love it, didn't hate it. If I didn't like Timothy Olyphant, I probably would have liked it less though.

Family and Life-----

We're doing okay. Much better than we were this time last year. Carrie and I just celebrated our 19^th anniversary. 19 years with me. That's some love right there. I'm thankful beyond words for her. The family overall? Ups and downs. The older kids and I went to therapy today and had a really good session I thought. Gained some insights about how we communicate with each other. Very productive and no hurt feelings afterwards. Abaddon is a handful most of the time. We're slowly teaching him to swim. He loves that. He is starting all day KG this year which is a major life change for him and for me. I'll admit it – I'm afraid of being by myself all day. It's going to be a brand new experience for me, and I'm a bit scared. But school will be good for him I think. He needs to interact with other kids his age. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to turn that time into something creatively productive, right? I'm pretty sure I'll be listening to a whole lot of very loud punk and metal.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I could go on to talk about politics but I don't want to give the depression a strong foothold and that'll do it.