Okay. I know most of you won't care, but it's my blog, so
bugger off.
Computers
For quite a while now, my computer performance has been
slowly degrading (yes, I keep it updated, regularly scan for viruses/malware,
clean registry, etc). But more and more, programs that use to operate easily
take more CPU power to function, interfering with other programs (used to, I
could listen to music while doing things like using the internet – not, when I
change pages, it interferes with the CPU going to my media player and audio). So
it's been slowly going downhill. I have frequent, but brief "Not
Responding" messages on all kinds of programs (from Firefox to Acrobat to
WMP). If I have multiple applications open, I get a graphics bleed through
(i.e., I’m checking out Facebook, and all of a sudden, part of Windows Explorer
or Media Player is suddenly visible and in the way). I can't play any good
video games because my onboard graphics won't handle them, and my PSU isn't
powerful enough to push even a mid-level graphics card.
Recently, somehow, my printer cable, plugged into a front
USB port (as part of a card reader bank) was snapped out, which physically
broke the USB port. That seems to have taken the entire card reader bank with
it (which sucks, since I like to take a lot of pictures, and now have to try
and make my network copy them to my computer, and my home network is very slow sometimes).
On the upside, someone gave me a slightly more powerful PSU,
so I installed that. Not a big deal, but it opens the door to being able to put
in a semi-decent card so maybe I can play some games. Woot!
I have two other front USB ports right next to the audio
ports. So it's annoying, but at least I can still do USB stuff. So I go put in
a flash drive to copy some files. Takes about 3 tries before the drive
registers in My Computer. Well, shit, that isn't a good sign. A couple days
later, I put the flash drive in, and I just cannot make it register. And my
wireless USB mouse stopped working also. Hiho internet! Away to troubleshoot!
Has to be a hardware failure, because as far as things like Device Manager is
concerned, the USB drives are there and functioning normally. The audio ports,
at least the headphone jack still works though.
So now, all of my front USB ports are dead, as well as flash
card readers. Sure, I could try and use my rear USB ports, but those are
currently occupied by external hard drives. Well, this sucks mightily.
Yesterday, as I was looking over a fascinating thread on
RPG.net, I was scared nearly to death. Why? Because out of nowhere, there was a
loud "POP" from inside my computer, and then I was left with a No
Signal message on my monitor. The computer power light was still lit however.
So I jump up to look inside the case. I don't see any sparks, melting, or
smoke, but it smells like a firecracker inside. So I hit the power button, and
just to be safe, flick the rear switch to the Off position as well. After
giving it a few minutes, I flip the switch back to On, and hit the Power
Button. The computer powers up, and boots normally (which is pretty odd in
itself, since I usually have to toggle the rear switch and hit the Power button
a few times to get it to boot up – normally, the fans come on but the system
does NOT boot up; note it has done this over two different Power Supply Units).
Well, that's a good thing, because I like having access to my computer. I get
everything going again, try to troubleshoot what might have happened (no luck),
and carry on as normal. For some reason, though, the heat sink and rear fan are
going full tilt, without slowing down once.
I notice several hours later, after everyone has gone to
bed, so there is less ambient noise, that I can still hear the fans going full
bore. So for whatever reason, the fans are going full speed all the time,
working way harder than normal. I cannot find any additional or excess heat
being generated by the system though. What I also notice in the quieted house
is the sound of my hard drive. It's accessing frequently, with a low growly,
grindy sound. That can't be good. I say that because before the POP event, the
hard drive did not access that frequently, and it sure didn't make that sound.
Fuck.
Meh. And I'm in no position to replace this computer anytime
soon. So, if you ever check them out, both my Facebook and my web page have
links where you can donate money to my computer fund via PayPal. Thanks in
advance!
Finances
As I noted, I cannot afford to replace my computer. Because
we're typically pretty broke. I didn't realize how broke until the last couple
of weeks. Growing up, no one ever taught me much about finances, other than how
to write a check in Jr. High Home Economics class. So a piece of advice I could
have used would have been something like "Keep every god damned receipt
you get for everything for like a year at least!"
Why?
Because I've spent the last week and a half trying to round
up documentation to present in a record review hearing in order to get a
possible wage garnishment reduced from the 15% they want to take (the most they
can take) under the reasoning that it would be an extreme financial hardship.
Great Caesar's Ghost, that requires a lot of documentation that
it never occurred to me to keep. Grocery receipts? Gas receipts? Hell no. So
I've been scrambling to gather all of that so that when I finish filling out
the form, when I get to the part that says
"Based on the above, I feel I can afford to pay $_____
per month"
I can respond with "$50. If you send me $300 per month,
then I might be able to afford to send $50 of that back to you"
I've always known we were real tight on the cash by the end
of the month. I didn't realize that we're actually in the negatives by the end
of the month. Every month. Explains a lot though.
And as it stands, we might miss the deadline for submitting
the forms (is that 15 days from the date on the letter, or 15 days from the
date I received the forms? I guess it's a mystery for the ages).
Fuck.
Suffice it to say, trying to get this done while generally
managing our finances has upped my stress level quite a bit. Luckily, I have
some stress relief outlets. Like playing guitar. I have a spiffy Tone Port that
plugs into my computer and allows me to change amp sounds, record, etc. It's
really cool. Oh. That's right. It's a USB device. I can't use it right now.
Well, I still have my weekly role playing game that I run.
Gaming
So for the last 3 weeks (or is it 4?), gaming hasn't worked
out. On at least 2 of the game days, things at the house combined with some
issues I've been having with the game triggered my depression, which left me in
no position to run a game. The most recent session, we got started (after I got
news about gaming that left me less interested in running anyway), but nothing
actually got done. One player was unavailable, and I’m pretty sure most of the other
players were actually doing other things at the same time (we play mostly on
line because these days, I can't seem to get anyone to actually come over to
play), so no one (except one person) really seemed to be paying attention. And
if they aren't paying attention, why the fuck should I bother to try and make
the game fun? So I ended the session early, angry and depressed about it.
Because it really is my main stress relief and it's failing me miserably right
now.
Back in the day, we played like everyone else. Everyone came
to the house and we got it on baybee! One player and good friend moved across
the country, and so I didn't get to play with him for years. Then another
player (and good friend also) moved across the state. So we were down him as
well. Well, we kept on chugging on, still having fun for the most part.
Then I discovered Maptool. A spiffy, very customizable
virtual tabletop program. It's free and has a damned helpful community. So
after years of playing without 2 of my favorite people, I was able to get them
back into the game. Sweet fucking deal IMO. So every week, the local players
would come over, we'd hook up the laptops, and us, and the two far away players
could create tales of dashing heroism again. It was really nice. Sure, there
were some minor issues, like players doing other things on the computer if it
wasn't their turn or something, but honestly, that wasn't much worse than
pre-laptops, when they just had their stupid cell phones to mess with, as well
as people who would text them and expect an immediate response, even if something
was going on. But we were back up to a full group size, and it was basically
good.
Then one player had to stop playing because of job issues and
such. Then one had to stop playing because of school and relationship issues
(of which problems with gaming was only a symptom, believe me). At this point,
there were only 1 or 2 players actually physically coming over to the house. Then
one player was reactivated so he could go to Afghanistan. I guess his tours in
Iraq just weren't enough for Uncle Fucker – I mean, Uncle Sam. And then one
player. . . I don't know. Lost his fucking mind or something, but he just
dropped contact with everyone for a while.
Slowly, I've managed to get us back to me + 4.5 players (The
.5 is the guy who dropped contact – he's still flaky about actually being available).
But even though 3 of those players are local to the city, they don’t' come over
here. They just want to do it on the computer. In one case, it's because the
guy works all day every other game day, so he's actually playing from work. So
on those days, I understand. And one player is, due to family things, I think
lucky to even get to play at all, so for now, I accept that person is
unavailable in person. I hope that changes in the future. The other guy? I
don't know why he doesn't get his ass over here.
But I really, really don't like being the only person playing
the game who is at my house. Part of why gaming is a stress reliever is because
it provided face-to-face social contact, bullshitting and all of that. I can
honestly say, after some thinking, that it just isn't nearly as fun for me if
no one else is here to play.
To make things even worse, since my USB ports died, I can't
even communicate via voice with the players. So all of my interaction is
through typing. So the general socializing component seems (feels?) almost
completely missing. And without that (combined with other issues in the group),
it just isn't being very much fun for me right now, and in fact, every week,
seems to be ADDING to my stress instead of helping to reduce it.
Fuck.
Fitness
I took last week off from weight training. I try to take a
week off every couple of months for general recovery, plus I was showing
symptoms of overtraining. In the middle of the week I got sick. I didn't enjoy
last week at all.
Monday, I started working out again. Every time I take a
week off, I revise my routine when I get started again, change things up a
little bit, keep my body guessing. So this new routine is 2 days on, 1 day off,
2 days on, 2 days off. So I'm moving to lifting 4 days a week instead of 3.
Okay.
Ack.
Today is the first off day. And oh my, can I feel that I
worked out. Hopefully, I'll adapt pretty quickly. And with a 4th day
added, maybe get stronger and more fit even more quickly. If I can ever afford
to buy a good, convenient source of protein. Because I'm sure as hell not
getting enough protein right now to properly build muscle. I'm not sure I'm
even getting enough calories in general.
Because I'm too poor right now to buy the food I would need.
Fuck.
Positives
The above is all pretty negative, I know. You're probably
wondering why I'm trying to depress you.
Because I can.
But here's some positive stuff.
The youngest seems to be doing a bit better in school, in
terms of interacting with the other children in a socially appropriate manner.
That's cool.
Despite all the stresses of finances and my mental illness,
I think the woman and I are doing pretty good (all things considered). I hope
so at least!
We just finished watching all of The Adventures of BriscoCounty Jr. That was a really good show. It's a shame it only got the one
season. I think my favorite character is still Pete Hutter. I love that guy.
The actor (John Pyper Ferguson – also was in Jeremiah, one of my favorite
shows; he should always be dressed as Pete, regardless of the role) is great. Seriously, Pete rocks!
We're almost done with Chuck (no spoilers). I don’t' want to
see this show go away, but frankly, it's been really lucky to have lasted this
long. But it's been a fun program to watch, and I am soooo curious what they're
going to do with the finale.
I've been entering a lot of contests lately. It kills 20-30
minutes in the mornings before I'm actually functional. Haven't had much luck
so far. The only thing I've won at this point is a bright green Robitussen
stocking cap that is too small for my big old head. But I’m bound to win
something cool eventually, right?
So, despite everything that is going wrong, I’m still pretty
sound in mind and body I think, and I know I'm handling things so much better
than I would have a year or two ago. That gives me a lot of hope for the
future.
And that's pretty damn cool.
Be well.
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